{13} Consistant Familiarity

Swings. Swings have always been the playground toy of my preference. I don't know, it probably has to do with the repetitive motion. It could be the tickling sensation at the bottom of my tummy. I used to go to the park in the middle of the night to sneak a cigarette. Mom had to have known I smoked. Though she wasn't home much, so it didn't matter.

Its calming in a strange way. If I have some shit I need to process I still end up in the park, at night, on the swings. For me its this refuge of clarity, a beacon of hope at times. The consistency of the feeling I get when I sit upon that strange rubber rectangle suspended by chains.

That's not to say its the only place of calm. I enjoy a vanilla scented bubble bath at the end of nearly every day. I just like the comfort of the small familiarities that I can find in this ever changing world.

{12} Rice, Alcohol, and Mean Girls

On the matter of parties, I used to be very well versed. Then a lot of life happened, and I fell out of all of it. Though I have been getting my groove back and oh my god, have I been having fun. I forgot what being a bitch felt like, and I forgot how to be a mean girl.

I love the me I let go a long time ago. I feel that I am so much happier being single, playing mind games with people. Working on one thing, self fulfillment. I fucking love independence and spending time with people who are not going to matter in ten years. Okay well maybe some of them. I have been having so much fun just embracing youth, and the fact that it is fleeting. I have missed out on so much I have to catch up.

So I have started a strict eating plan so that I can lose weight and become more fit and active. Woot! Lets hope I stick to it. I mean I already gave up gluten and dairy because they make me feel like crap. Why not give up soda and high carb and high fat foods for a while. Strictly beans and rice and any combination there of. I will make interesting dishes. Maybe blog about my month of eating mostly beans and rice, with free recipes.

{11} Missionaries and Literature

Usually I don't care about politics and that sort of thing. Though, I think that it should be illegal for missionaries to go to other countries and try to convert the religion of the people. I think it should be illegal for the Christians to try to mold and shape everyone else to their image of perfection. I feel that all culture is valuable and should be treated as unique and special. It should be studied and not changed. Granted I know very little about the current acts of missionaries, but in high school when I read the book Things Fall Apart By Chinua Achebe, it made me weep for all the messed up things that happen when the Christians come.

Currently I am taking an anthropology class and some of these thoughts are coming to the surface. I personally do not think my personal cultural identity is the perfect or best one, it is just the one that works for me. My father taught me the importance of acceptance. Accept people for who they are and what they represent.

{10} About Eyes

Sometimes I forget that he's gone and I think, perhaps I should give him a call. Then other times it is the forefront of my thoughts. The very most important thing on my mind. I often weep about it still. Though the other day I had a realization that I could not hold back the visuals on regardless of desire.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, some say that they are the doors even. Well, my father shot himself in the face, and his head exploded. Something that I see in my mind every day. It doesn't matter that I wasn't there, today's Hollywood doesn't leave much to the imagination and I have a very vividly graphic imagination. The realization I came to the other day was that if he blew his face off his beautiful eyes probably exploded as well. His eyes were such a crystalline blue, they would have been absolutely perfect had the whites not been tinted yellow from the alcohol he drank.

{9} Magical Hello Kitty Computer

The Magical Hello Kitty computer is back in action. Can I get a woot woot!? I am so super excited. I have had to replace the hard drive in this very machine three times, and now, I think we got it. I hope so anyhow. My sister bought me a hard drive for my birthday and her boyfriend put it in for me. I am so very blessed with all the wonderful competent people I have in my life!

Today we had to take Nate to the ER because he was puking up blood. At first I was in a panic, though I realized after we were already in the ER that he'd been sick four times today and that generally causes some bleeding in the esophagus. Well, that's the conclusion the doctor came up with four x-rays, a urine sample, and four hours later. If only I hadn't thought to panic.

I am very super happy that soon I will be moving in with Geekie and our friend. I haven't figured out what I am going to call him in the blog yet. Though, once I do, I'll let you know. He is really more Geekie's friend than mine. Really my brother's friend too. Though I do know him and we are on good terms.

If I don't get state assisted childcare our friend is going to watch Nate for me. I am just tired of my valley for a bit right now. I am really tired of my mother spending so very much time trying to control me. Its like her favorite past time. I sometimes just don't tell her things because she's going through menopause and crazy. Then I think about it and how I never have been able to get along with her.

{8} Broken Hearts

The last few days I spent arguing with my ex boyfriend, where he let his pain speak for him. The sad part, he said things that made me cry. To a friend I described it as crying my eyes out until my heart was empty. It reminded me that even though we didn't talk for three weeks, he is still hurting imensily. I pushed my hurt to the back of my mind. He refuses to admit that I could possibly hurt, because I was the one who broke it off. Either way, I hurt too. I miss him, I do. I just know logically that he and I are a terrible combination and we both need different.

I miss kissing the most. Kissing is my favorite. I miss seeing him after he worked a morning shift, and I worked a night shift, the way we would hold each other was like the world had ended for half a day. We needed each other like crazy, and it was nice to be needed. I mean, when he was actually expressing to me that he needed me.

I miss date night, that was the one night a week we would go out to dinner and just hang out. It was a nice break from doing absolutely nothing the rest of the week.

He said that two of our mutual friends think that I am a downer, and when I am not being depressing all I talk about is sex. Ha! I'm pretty sure that is all I ever talked about with them. It doesn't really make me feel all that good to know that, but at least I know.

I have been spending a lot of time with MY friends. MY people. I didn't realize how much I had missed them from the year I spent away, until the other day. I really love them. They are more than friends they are family. I have known them since I was in fifth grade I think. My sister is best friends with one of them, and she has been since fourth grade for her, which was seventh for me. Though the oldest son and I have been freinds much longer.

I have been getting out much more. With my trusty headphones, and awesome patched jacket. (Will post pics later). I have been wandering the streets around my apartment, going pretty far. Last night I wandered for a little over an hour. It felt good. My legs hurt a little, and my ab muscles hurt from clenching them all the walk, but its nice to feel alive.
Anyways, I have to go so that I can do my homework. I really intend on posting again sooner than I have been.

{7} Healthy Eating

Eating right sounds so easy, though when you get down to it, its about willpower. I have been struggling with being an overeater my whole life. Though, as you probably read from a previous post that I am putting an end to that. Lately when I want a snack I reach for the carrots, or some other easy to snack on food. Baby carrots come in the right size bag that I can split up into a few tupperware dishes, so that my son knows he can have some, and I can just pull one out and eat it.

Eating vegetables all day makes me feel better, and to be completely honest I noticed my skin looks better. I am trying to counteract the aging of my skin that the cigarettes cause. Since I refuse to quit smoking, I have to do something to stay looking young and beautiful!

I have started to worry about the future of my body rather than living in the moment. I usually just say, I'll start my diet tomorrow. Though, tomorrow has come and gone many times over. Right now, I just need to do. So, I started keeping track of my food that I eat on this website called Calorie Count. It is pretty cool, you can input activities you do, and the foods you eat. It calculates it all for you. I like that you can also keep track of the water you drink. Fitday, had an option to add up the calories you eat and the calories you burn, but you couldn't keep track of water. Well, there was a thing to do it but I could never get it to work.

Anyhow, there is a monkey jumping on the couch after he was told not to, I must go.

{6} Gardening and Partying

What was left of my stamp after the bar last night. :D

I am a failure at gardening. I have watered my mother's garden every other day as per the water schedule, and they all look so sad and wimpy. Like the vegetable garden especially, the flowers are just beautiful. Though, perhaps I should have been watering the vegetables every day against the water rationing thingy. Either way, I do not intend on having a garden for a while...

Nathanial and I have been staying out here for the week. Eating my mom's food, using her internet, washing my laundry, cleaning her house. I sort of miss it. I really miss it actually. I miss being able to just not worry.

I am trying to get my son into preschool, and trying to get all the paperwork into my apartment people on time. Ugh! This life I live sometimes. I really need to get a job, and I am working on it. Though, with almost a year gap in my job history, excluding Taco John's, it is hard to find employment. Taco John's sucked because they wouldn't schedule me less than 45 hours, and I would walk home with a paycheck that was 35 or less hours because of all the breaks they made me take. Anyway, I am getting out there doing this for myself.

Last night I went out. I partied like I haven't partied in a long time. My sister was there and our friend, and many of her friends. It was pretty cool. I felt like an adult. Being an adult sometimes feels pretty good.

On a separate note, I lost 10 lbs since I have been out at my mom's, probably all the walking to the park and gardening. I also have been like getting up in the morning and spending time to make myself look good. I feel that for a long time I hadn't even cared, and now is definitely the time to care. I am going to be 24 in September, and frankly I do not want to be 24 but that is how it is. I am going to pretend like it's my 21st and party like a fucking rockstar!

I think it will be a weekly thing going to the bar on Thursday with my sister. She said she would do it with me. I am excited to have that to look forward to. It will be great when I get a job, then I can treat her to drinks the way she does to me.

I feel that I often forget to let my sister know how much I appreciate her. I really do. She gives me gas whenever she has money, and buys me cigarettes. She lets me swim in her pool and hangs out with me. I love my sister, she is probably my very best friend.

With that, I need to go fold some laundry.

{5} Saying No to Sickness

Life happened again, and now I have to get back on track with my eating. I have been working on not eating dairy, it makes my face puffy and my stomach hurt.

We went camping a few weeks ago, and I forgot that Dorito Nacho Cheese flavor has gluten in it, no wonder why I was so sick. Then the next week we went again, and I was sick again. I am just tired of being sick.

I feel like I miss out on my son's life because I get sick and don't have patience. So, I have decided that the time for being sick, is over. I will be there for him, because I won't be sick.

I am really excited to turn my life around. I feel much better, I haven't eaten dairy in days and I am content with that. Food doesn't really need cheese and wheat to make it taste good. Its more a matter of changing your taste a little, and turning more to spices than I ever thought it would be. Today I ate an egg, a plain egg. It was actually a lot better than I would have admitted before I gave up dairy.

Now it is a matter of resisting temptation and moving forward. If I have some Lactaid, yeah I'd eat dairy. Though since I don't have any right now, I am just not going to do it.

The gluten one was really hard to give up at first, but even now. I struggle with it. I am a food person. I love food. I love to eat. That is my biggest problem. So, I am throwing out the problems and starting a journey to a healthy body. I feel that once I get my body healthy, maybe my mind will follow. I might prove to myself that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I mean, I've only drank the tiniest bit of soda in the last week. I will keep that up, soda makes my eyes not want to open in the morning and my body ache all day long.

Well, that is all for now.

{4} This weekend I went camping…

If you look closely you can see butterflies around the tree.

The weather was great and despite my reservations the campsite was absolutely as I remembered it. From the butterfly city in the tree tops down to the little ant city on the picnic table. Usually when I camp with my mother we end up at each other’s throats, thought I was determined to make this time different. My son was so excited to be camping with me, since he usually goes with my mother and step-father alone. I will admit I was extremely pumped up for it also.

The tent.

A brand new orange tent, two borrowed sleeping bags, and an aged ratty old mattress all set up to be our shelter for the night. Anyhow, I spent all of the day reading. Mom and Greg stayed down at the creek in their chairs. Meanwhile Nate ran back and forth stirring up a whirlwind of chaos and destruction. Perhaps that is an exaggeration, he wasn’t all that bad.

The teeny tiny fire

The night was really chilly and frankly all I wanted to do was go home and take a hot bath. Seeing as I was in the middle of a pay-to-stay campground 40 minutes away from my town, without my car I had to just suck it up and deal with it. The problem was that I went camping with my parents and not my Prometheus reincarnate brother. The fire didn’t happen until it was so close to full dark I had already donned my sweatshirt and a blanket.

I had planned on an awesome photo adventure. Sure enough not thirty paces in my damn camera battery died. I did however manage to get some great shots of the beloved creek from my childhood. 

This shot is the last I took before the camera died.

The moon still visible before the sun broke free all the way.

The book that I read started out a lot like several different stories. It was like a combination between Hush, Hush and Pretty Little Liars. Though once I got through the extended prologue, it actually turned out to be quite original and fairly well written. Who am I to judge though, I have yet to complete a novel worth selling. My prior two were terrible disasters. I got the Wal*Mart one where it has more than one story in a book, and I have not finished the second one. When I do, I will write a review.

{3} Photos and Links!

First I will present to you some photos of the randomness that I call life. Not sure why some of these things were important enough to photograph, but they were so here they are. My son has a really kick ass mohawk. He wants to be like my brother.

My fridge as it looks right now.

My son's awesome hair.

Me and my son.

Teaching my kid how to play chess.

"Woody was too hot. He needs to cool off."

Did my hair in a bow.

Magnets I made.

Now for the links! Higherthoughts.com linked you to my profile. Weheartit.com also linked to my profile. My Tumblr. Definitely working on a social networking page with all of my links but I thought I would share some of them right now.

Much love everyone!!!

{2} Awkward.

Lately my obsession has been this MTV teen show, Awkward. It reminds me of all the things I loved and all the things I hated about high school. I tend to live a little too much in the past at times, and I find that it is just better to watch a show about people in high school than try to live like we did in high school.

I like how it starts out. The accident mistaken for suicide thing, though I think she is overly paranoid about it later. I am enamored with the cast, and the fact that there are two male love interests. One who starts out with a girlfriend, and one who doesn't seem to want it to be public knowledge that he likes her. Her mother doesn't seem to be very mature, which is understandable considering she had had Jenna when she was seventeen.

I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing where she thinks her mom wrote the care frontation. I would NEVER do that to any of my children.I would call her out on it sooner than Jenna did.

I just thought I would share this with you. As I watch more of the back episodes, I will maybe write more. We'll see. Thank you for reading! Have a good night.

{1} New Life to Lacie

Seven days ago I ended a relationship of one-year-two-months-nine-days via text message. There is a story in all of that, more on that later. Though, I figured that with the new life I would create a new blog. A blog about not giving a fuck.

So here is my ever growing list of things I want to do before I get another boyfriend.

1. Lose weight.
2. Travel, visit five cities I've never been to.
3. Find out my son's dad.
4. Stay good in school, nothing below a C.
5. Gain Employment
6. Fix the car with my own hands.
7. Gain 100 followers on my photography blog, or my craft blog.
8. Make money from my hats.
9. Gain a business license for photography, and the hats.
10. Make $500-$1000 from my photography.
11. Visit Hollywood.
12. Spend a month living on the road, travelling, living in motels eating crap food.
13. Start a Vlog.
14. Make a dress.
15. Patch an awesome jacket.
16. Get 5 new tattoos.
17. Spend up to two weeks camping total (this summer)
18. Practice more awareness of my personal fashion.
19. Tumble more...(my tumblr)
20. Have more fun.
21. Write a book
22. Finish a scrapbook.
23. Finish my son's baby book. (He's four!)
24. Make a gluten-free cook book.
25. Completely remove dairy from my diet, (being sick just isn't any fun)

So far that is all though when I add more in my journal I will post it. I have added things to it so much since I started it.

The thing I like about being single is that I get to spend a lot more time with my son. I don't have to hear how I am being judged with the way my son acts and the way I parent. It is nice. We have been such better friends since the breakup.

So, about the whole text message breakup thing. I kept texting him telling him that it was important that we talk. Calling him, half the time he didn't even answer. So then about two weeks after I had made up my mind, I just was texting him and said that we were broken up. Though apparently he was confused because since the breakup he was being all clingy and still calling me "baby." It was really awkward and weird.

I am not the kind of person to do a text message break up. I feel awful that, that is how it had to happen. Though I felt trapped without any air or a way out. So when I found one I took it. 

Since the breakup my car has become clean, my house is cleaner. Life is just better. I am looking for a job and in the meantime supplementing my income by selling crochet hats, click here for my etsy. Life is such a blessing and we all need to embrace it.

Sometimes, though it seems harder to embrace the way we feel about things. I am struggling with some things  right now that I am not going to mention. Once they get resolved maybe I will talk about it. Though for now... they will stay trapped in my mind. 

Anyways, this is an adequate length for a first post. Thank you all for reading! I hope to see some followers! I'll follow anyone back who follows me.