{13} Consistant Familiarity

Swings. Swings have always been the playground toy of my preference. I don't know, it probably has to do with the repetitive motion. It could be the tickling sensation at the bottom of my tummy. I used to go to the park in the middle of the night to sneak a cigarette. Mom had to have known I smoked. Though she wasn't home much, so it didn't matter.

Its calming in a strange way. If I have some shit I need to process I still end up in the park, at night, on the swings. For me its this refuge of clarity, a beacon of hope at times. The consistency of the feeling I get when I sit upon that strange rubber rectangle suspended by chains.

That's not to say its the only place of calm. I enjoy a vanilla scented bubble bath at the end of nearly every day. I just like the comfort of the small familiarities that I can find in this ever changing world.

{12} Rice, Alcohol, and Mean Girls

On the matter of parties, I used to be very well versed. Then a lot of life happened, and I fell out of all of it. Though I have been getting my groove back and oh my god, have I been having fun. I forgot what being a bitch felt like, and I forgot how to be a mean girl.

I love the me I let go a long time ago. I feel that I am so much happier being single, playing mind games with people. Working on one thing, self fulfillment. I fucking love independence and spending time with people who are not going to matter in ten years. Okay well maybe some of them. I have been having so much fun just embracing youth, and the fact that it is fleeting. I have missed out on so much I have to catch up.

So I have started a strict eating plan so that I can lose weight and become more fit and active. Woot! Lets hope I stick to it. I mean I already gave up gluten and dairy because they make me feel like crap. Why not give up soda and high carb and high fat foods for a while. Strictly beans and rice and any combination there of. I will make interesting dishes. Maybe blog about my month of eating mostly beans and rice, with free recipes.

{11} Missionaries and Literature

Usually I don't care about politics and that sort of thing. Though, I think that it should be illegal for missionaries to go to other countries and try to convert the religion of the people. I think it should be illegal for the Christians to try to mold and shape everyone else to their image of perfection. I feel that all culture is valuable and should be treated as unique and special. It should be studied and not changed. Granted I know very little about the current acts of missionaries, but in high school when I read the book Things Fall Apart By Chinua Achebe, it made me weep for all the messed up things that happen when the Christians come.

Currently I am taking an anthropology class and some of these thoughts are coming to the surface. I personally do not think my personal cultural identity is the perfect or best one, it is just the one that works for me. My father taught me the importance of acceptance. Accept people for who they are and what they represent.

{10} About Eyes

Sometimes I forget that he's gone and I think, perhaps I should give him a call. Then other times it is the forefront of my thoughts. The very most important thing on my mind. I often weep about it still. Though the other day I had a realization that I could not hold back the visuals on regardless of desire.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, some say that they are the doors even. Well, my father shot himself in the face, and his head exploded. Something that I see in my mind every day. It doesn't matter that I wasn't there, today's Hollywood doesn't leave much to the imagination and I have a very vividly graphic imagination. The realization I came to the other day was that if he blew his face off his beautiful eyes probably exploded as well. His eyes were such a crystalline blue, they would have been absolutely perfect had the whites not been tinted yellow from the alcohol he drank.

{9} Magical Hello Kitty Computer

The Magical Hello Kitty computer is back in action. Can I get a woot woot!? I am so super excited. I have had to replace the hard drive in this very machine three times, and now, I think we got it. I hope so anyhow. My sister bought me a hard drive for my birthday and her boyfriend put it in for me. I am so very blessed with all the wonderful competent people I have in my life!

Today we had to take Nate to the ER because he was puking up blood. At first I was in a panic, though I realized after we were already in the ER that he'd been sick four times today and that generally causes some bleeding in the esophagus. Well, that's the conclusion the doctor came up with four x-rays, a urine sample, and four hours later. If only I hadn't thought to panic.

I am very super happy that soon I will be moving in with Geekie and our friend. I haven't figured out what I am going to call him in the blog yet. Though, once I do, I'll let you know. He is really more Geekie's friend than mine. Really my brother's friend too. Though I do know him and we are on good terms.

If I don't get state assisted childcare our friend is going to watch Nate for me. I am just tired of my valley for a bit right now. I am really tired of my mother spending so very much time trying to control me. Its like her favorite past time. I sometimes just don't tell her things because she's going through menopause and crazy. Then I think about it and how I never have been able to get along with her.